I didn’t go for a jog today; the suggested amount per week is only three so I don’t want to do more than five. Today was kind of hard. I let more negative thoughts in than I’m proud of. But right now is good. I signed up for an advanced Japanese class at my college and got in right away even though registration for classes started two weeks ago. (Not that the same could be said for computer programming and calculus classes.) But still. Japanese is where I’m most likely to be able to socialize. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that I got a haircut the other day. I did, and it looks nice. I feel crisp. Today I hung out with my friend, Cody J, and we saw a movie. It was nice. We chatted about what’s been new in our respective lives. I told him about my recent efforts to like myself and he told me about his recently stagnant social life. He later elaborated: he hasn’t been to school in almost two weeks. I’m not close enough to him to know whether he’s okay. … I do know he’s failing his classes. I told him if he isn’t going to school we should hang out. Though in retrospect maybe I should have insisted he go.
My family used to have a dinner table routine in which each person would share their “highlight” of the day. I’m going to do something like that on my posts. Except it seems rather narrow-minded to limit myself to one high point if I have many.
Highlights of the day: Being told I’m a “great guy” by Cody when I told him about realizing I don’t like myself. Posting on tumblr. Working for more than five hours on the construction of my house, which means I’ll be paid more than fifty dollars. Signing up for classes. Trying new drinks: canned, unsweetened green tea and a bottled drink called “Swirling Cucumber”. Putting gel in my hair.
I’d like to eventually start posting a word of the day.
You will lose everything. Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories. Your looks will go. Loved ones will die. Your body will fall apart. Everything that seems permanent is impermanent and will be smashed. Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away. Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes and no longer turning away.
But right now, we stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realising this is the key to unspeakable joy. Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you. This may sound trivial, obvious, like nothing, but really it is the key to everything, the why and how and wherefore of existence. Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heartbreaking gratitude.
Loss has already transfigured your life into an altar.
tumblrbot asked: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD?
Rather fitting question there, tumblrbot. …Activity makes me feel better when I am in a bad mood.
Goals as of now:
- Jog at least four nights a week
- Continue vegetarianism
- Edit my blog daily
- Come out to my family as bisexual
- Be honest
- Don’t take actions I wouldn’t be proud of later
- Get a job
- Clean my room and maintain it thusly
- Learn something new every day
- Read every day
- Love myself
Today I saw an eagle. Today, when I was working on putting siding up on my (parents’, really) house-in-construction with the carpenter, Al, his wife Kate (whom I’ve known since I can remember) stopped by asking him to sign a check. Kate is so sweet. She must be in her late 50’s now but I don’t think she’s capable of not being adorable. She reminds me of Carly M’s mom, who I had a crush on in grade school, or Taylor H’s mom, who would always give me sweet-smelling hugs when I’d see her but later I learned she was an alcoholic and not soon after that she committed suicide. Today I remembered the time my friend Mitchell and I longboarded past a group of high school kids and I took a fast turn to show off and barely made it without clipping the curb. I hopped off the board afterward like it was no big deal. Today I went on a jog and flossed my teeth and drank canned unsweetened green tea. Today I loitered in the book section of a store because a tall plain-looking girl was loitering and I was trying to muster up the courage to talk to her, but I never did. Today I was determined to come out as bisexual to my sister but I forgot about it soon afterward. (Coming out is one of the things I intend to do on my path to self-actualization.) Today I started my blog. If I want to post my second post Today, I have to do so now.
’Non-aggression’ doesn’t mean that you’re not supposed to get angry; it doesn’t mean that you’re not supposed to set boundaries; it doesn’t mean that you’re not supposed to be sharp; it doesn’t mean that you don’t have neurotic upheavals and meltdowns. What it does mean is that we have to keep letting go - until we are naked with ourselves, and we are making room for the person we actually are. And it’s the exact same process with other people. We have to let go, let go, let go… Until we see and we are seen.
—Reggie Ray, “Opening Beyond Fear-The Path of Non-Aggression,” Dharma Ocean Foundation (via wordslessspoken)